A few weeks ago I wrote about not being shook. And then, I’ll admit it, last week, I got shook. Last week, the numbers got to me. Labor Day weekend the sirens wailed, and wailed, and wailed. Choppers spewed. Choppers flew. Searchlights crept over concrete. The numbers got higher. Maybe it was summer’s outro, a crescendo of violence and death and doubt before the spasmatic finale, death throes.
Some animals will make themselves bigger, appear more aggressive than they really are because they feel threatened, because they know they are in danger. Maybe that’s the reason behind last weekend’s spike in violence.
But sometimes, an animal makes itself bigger, becomes more aggressive, not as a defense mechanism, but offensively, out of confidence in their strength, and their ability to defend their territory, to take more territory.
Prayers for the city are being prayed, have been prayed, will continue to be prayed. And they must be having an effect. Citizens are working to extend God’s love to the city, to affirm the God given value of every individual. Organizations and communities are working to address systemic issues of lack that consistently breed economic engines lubricated by blood. And that must be having an effect.
But the sirens in the night, police helicopters… the numbers… death throes, or confident, aggressive, offensive, expansion… I can’t tell.
I got shook. I got discouraged. I heard a whisper in my ear questioning if God was really for Baltimore City. And I began to doubt.
It’s crazy, how one moment I could be so confident and have such hope, and the next feel burdened with fear. But I realize this is no new phenomenon.At the beginning of his ministry Jesus is baptised by John the Baptist. God speaks his affirmation of the Christ loud and clear. “And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” (Matthew 3:17). And then right after that Matthew 4 opens with: Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”
Clear and direct affirmation comes from God and then soon after confrontation and a questioning of faith. And I think we have all been there before. We have had an amazing spiritual experience, an encounter with God, or we simply read a verse like John 3:16: for God so loved the world that He gave…’ and soon after, maybe right after, we look at what we lack and begin to question if God is really for us, if he has really given himself to us.
And we are not alone.
In his song “Doubts” from the EP 100 rapper KB gives us his own examples of this type of struggle. He goes through worries about failure or wasting of resources, or wasting of chances. But then he enters the final movement of the song with these words:
“But then His Spirit comforts me, I don’t gotta worry ‘bout this no longer… That’s why I doubt my doubts, that’s why I doubt my doubts, they bring me closer to the one who’s got it figured out…”
And he ends with: “I say to my doubts, help me believe.”
I listened to an incredible word on resisting the devil by Dan Mohler recently. He emphasized Satan’s character as a liar, so if a word, or thought, or feeling, or idea inconsistent with the word of God enters our mind, then it is not from God, and should be resisted. Then he went on to talk about how to resist the devil. It’s not by engaging his deceptions but instead by standing on the truths already spoken over us.
God loves people and cities. Jesus cried out over Jerusalem, longing for the city to come to God. And then Jesus went to the cross and shed his blood for the city. He was fully aware of its hardships, hurdles, and shortcomings, yet he still bled for it out of love and hope.
Two weeks ago on September 1st Sevin released P4MH (Pray For My Hood): Church In Tha Jungle. The album tells stories of neighborhoods in distress like many of Baltimore’s own. The album is a call for believers to understand the plight of these communities and to send their prayers and to believe beyond what they can see at the present moment. To exercise faith.
Two passages to close: Hebrews 12:1b and 2: And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
And Psalm 27:13: I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
When doubt comes, and it undoubtedly will, we must fix our eyes, dial them in, zoom them in on Jesus with intention. We must see his heart of love for the lost and the broken and the abused. We must remind ourselves what the goodness of the Lord looks like. It is love laying down its life for the beloved. It is weeping with those who weep and caring for orphans and widows.
The devil would have us focus on situation and circumstance, on the shakables. I did and I got shook. But I’m fixing my eyes back on the unshakable, and it’s here that I’ll make my stand. Because whether it’s death throes or not, my ministry is the same: faithful reconciliation. As KB closes in another song “Kamikaze” also from 100:
Success is not a number it’s faithful labor.
Festival of Booths 
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